American Single
If we think back and remember where we met our best friends, we see that many of those friendships emerged in the context of doing something interesting together over time. We went to school together. We worked in the same company. We were members of the Naturalists’ Society. We sang together in a summer stock production of Annie Get Your Gun.
We may begin with one shared interest and discover others. The last time we were in Tennessee I said to Jake, who is becoming a good friend, “You know that if we lived in the same town, we’d be getting into trouble together.” What I mean is that I’d be connecting with more of the elements of Jake’s life (he’s a BMW motorcycle rider), and he with mine (I’m a sometimes-sailor).
Repeating the connection makes a difference. When Peter moved out to BC, I introduced him to my old friend, John. As I look back, I remember that I kept creating occasions for the three of us to get together, and we’ve done so for years. Peter and John are good friends now, and their friendship has a life that is independent of me.
The depth and quality of the introduction makes a big difference. We don’t just introduce our friend to another person, we share our enjoyment; we give a good account; we announce the ways in which we think they might connect.
‘Numbers’ have something to do with this: Most of us have met thousands of people in our lives, but only a handful of them have become good friends. We need to create many opportunities for connection.
